Ah for the days of Ma Bell!

We here at danlangdon.com are far from Luddites. But we do tend to take a rather dim view of cell phones. While they certainly can come in handy in a variety of situations, we tend to lose them, and we are personally appalled by some of the more base uses.

Just the other day we were in the elevator at work, and had to listen to a particularly unpleasant man berate someone for thirty-two floors. And not long ago, while on a train, a young lady was having a conversation with someone that was of a, shall we say, graphically gynecological nature. Finally the conductor had to step in and ask the young lady to please take the conversation to the vestibule. Surprisingly enough, instead of being embarrassed, as any normal person would be, she was quite put-out by this request.

The thing that is amazing to me is the banality of most cell phone conversations. This is not to say that conversations in general aren’t banal, but at least when you have two people talking in your vicinity, you can tune them out. But it’s hard to tune out something like this:

“Hi. It’s Me. What’s up?”

(pause)

“Why? Does he have gas?”

(pause)

“Well, I told him not to eat that chicken”

(pause)

“Yes I did. I told him not to eat it.”

(And so on ad nauseum)

This gets one thinking: Just who is it that has gas? How was the chicken prepared? Is it one of those people who enjoy having gas, who thinks it’s funny? Maybe it’s a dog that has the gas – people talk to their dogs all the time, but they never listen – and they are certainly capable of eating questionable chicken and having gas.

To trot down this path surely leads to madness, but sometimes you just can’t help yourself. You find yourself wondering why the person said what they said, and what the person on the other line will say. You are inadvertently drawn into their life.

Most people are, of course, oblivious. But those of us with taste and breeding find ourselves at sixes and sevens on this issue. To comment would certainly cause a scene with the ill-mannered bore having the conversation (witness the conductor who had to chasten the young lady) but to not say anything seems to condemn us to a life of having to listen to stupid people discuss the boring details of their somewhat redundant lives.

Maybe we here at danlangdon.com are Luddites after all….

Christmas: What is acceptable and what is not

As we have now officially entered the holiday season, I thought it best that I speak to you, my loyal readers, about what it tasteful and what is not over the holiday season.

There’s just no getting around it, Christmas is a holiday that is fraught with garishness, and it’s easy to be seduced by the vulgarity. But standing strong will allow you to treat the lesser among us (who are, after all, the vast majority) with the condescension they so richly deserve during this season of excess.

Here is a list of things and places to avoid for a tasteful holiday:

Malls: Dubious at the best of times, they attract nothing but shrieking harpies, bratty children and extra-surly teens through the New Year. Add to that the idiot factor that is always drawn to crowds, and you have a recipe for disaster. Shopping is best done at the Better Stores, which always have downtown locations. If you live in a place that doesn’t have downtown stores, you should consider moving to someplace like Chicago.

Parades or Christmas Tree Lightings: It used to be that ceremonies such as this were quite pleasant. That was when they were simply called “The Christmas Parade” or “The Tree Lighting Ceremony”. Unfortunately, they have mostly been taken over by corporations, so now you have things like “Tampax Presents the Christmas Parade!” or “The Lighting of the Metamucil Christmas Tree!” At these corporate events, you invariably find either rap or country music, which is, of course, the antithesis of taste and breeding. You will also find the above-mentioned mall crowd.

Speaking of music, I was at a neighborhood store the other day when a song came on the PA system. It was called “An American Prayer for Christmas” (or was it “A Prayer for an American Christmas”?) it had both the screechiness found in bad contemporary R&B as well as the twanginess found in the worst country music. I fear there might also a dance that goes along with it. While I realize that a section of this country feels rather strongly that America has the corner on both prayer and Christmas, I didn’t realize that they felt the need to sing about it. Needless to say, it was a dreadful song, which means it’s sure to become a big hit. Anyplace where this song is played needs to be avoided.

Continuing on…..

Anything that promises a “Victorian Christmas Experience”: The Victorian era was a dreadful time for 95% of the world’s population, but that doesn’t keep the unenlightened from equating it with “old-fashioned” Christmases. (The irony is, of course, that most of these people’s forbearers undoubtedly spent the Victorian Era in a sweatshop eating dirt.) Any “Victorian Christmas event” is sure to have lots of women in stretch pants and jeweled sweatshirts jerking around antsy little girls in velvet dresses who have to go to the bathroom.

Airports: Airports are like malls in that they are always terrible places to be, but with the predominance of cheap airline tickets they are even worse at the holidays. The usual crowd of boorish business travelers gets replaced with the trashy folk who only fly at Christmas, and are oblivious to the advisories that you shouldn’t try to bring firearms, knives or wrapped presents through security. They also tend to hang out in the airport lounges, where they are NOT good drunks, and will spend their entire 18-hour layover harassing the staff about how expensive the drinks are. Therefore, try not to fly until after the New Years. If you HAVE to fly, try to fly through an airport that doesn’t handle Southwest. (Personally, I just take Amtrak. Sure, it takes three weeks to get home, but who’s in a hurry to go to Iowa?)

Human recreations of the Nativity: Once again, this is something that at one time held sort of a folksy charm – anyone who ever read “A Prayer for Owen Meany” knows what I’m talking about – but like everything these days, the literalists and those with arrested development have ruined it for everyone else. Instead of unwilling children posed in a brief tableau, after which everyone has coffee, you are now likely to encounter extended ordeals featuring drum sets, screechy singers, and over-the-top special effects, with all of the roles played by adults who should know better.

Speaking of religion: While we here at danlangdon.com certainly have no problem with those of you who wish to attend church on Christmas, we remind you that the “mainstream” religions are the much more tasteful choice. Churches in suburbs that seat more than 1000 and have things like bowling alleys and gyms are to be avoided at all costs.

So just where should you be going over during the holidays, you might ask? Basically, only expensive places that frown on children. Otherwise, you should stay home.

At home, here are the things to be avoided:

Teddy Bear Themed Christmas Décor: Teddy bears are rightly only for the toddler set. They are never a wise choice for décor, but especially not at the holidays.

Fiber-optic Christmas Trees: Christmas trees are not action movies. If you want a tree that changes color, invest in a tasteful aluminum Christmas tree and color wheel, or buy some LSD.

Dancing Santa Dolls: Nothing says Wal-Mart like one of these annoying dancing Santa Dolls. Santa is a fan man. Fat men as a rule do not gyrate wildly. When they do, they end up like Chris Farley, and we don’t want to disappoint the kiddies. Besides, it’s an affront to his dignity.

The “American Idol” Christmas Special: Like Rush Limbaugh, “American Idol” is a terrible program that gives the lower classes something to get riled up about.. At least Limbaugh spares us a Christmas special. “American Idol” should show the same consideration. Besides, if you are going to hear “An American Prayer for Christmas” (or whatever that horrible song is called, you are going to hear it on that special.

Christmas China: My mother, usually a paragon of taste and breeding, has Christmas china. It’s by Spode mind you, but it’s still Christmas china. Besides, before she upgraded, she had Christmas china from SEARS. There is no valid reason Christmas china. The reason why you invest in good china in the first place is so that you have it for ALL your formal occasions, and Christmas dinner is certainly one of those in all well-appointed homes. Don’t you dare buy any Christmas china.

Christmas Music that should never be played in tasteful homes:

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” (unless it’s the cha-cha instrumental version on the “Christmas Cocktails” CD.)

“All I want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth “ (unless it’s the Nat King Cole Version)

That David Bowie/Bing Crosby duet they did back in the 70’s

“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” in all it’s incarnations.

Anything Christmas music performed by Elvis

And, of course, that awful “American Prayer for Christmas”.

The following items should not be considered suitable for presents:

Nose Clippers
Novelty Pillows.
Firearms
Beer
Pork Rinds
Cigarettes
Porn

The main event.....

While I am a true devotee of the school of “Casual Living”, I am not one of these people who want his guests to feel comfortable gravitating to the kitchen. That, in my opinion, is marketing gimmick foisted off on us by the kitchen design industry. How else can one explain marble countertops?

In fact, if it were up to me, there would someone in the kitchen keeping an eye on all of this while I was enjoying cocktails in the living room, like civilized people do. But as it stands, I must deal with a kitchen that holds one person (me) and which opens directly onto the dining area, where the table is already meticulously set. Therefore, I am usually in no mood for “Kitchen Konviviality”, and that is why I greet my guests by immediately offering them something to eat and drink in the living room.

Once the preperations are done, and we are seated, it’s time to relax and enjoy our repast. But there are pitfalls along the way to contentment. Take, for instance, children.

While it is my opinion that children should be seen and not heard (as it was in MY day, and look how well I turned out!) there is a rather common feeling among contemporary parents that children should be allowed to speak and be engaged in social situations (A philosophy which I suspect directly correlates to the rise of prescriptions for Ritalin) These are undoubtedly sterling parents who are raising what is certain to be a generation of scintillating adults, but in the meantime it does make for some awkward moments. Gone are the days of the corner card table with the paper plates and vinyl tablecloth. Welcome to the world of having your best stories interrupted with statements about bodily functions.

There’s not much we can do about this, but this is where seating arrangements and passive-aggression on the part of the host can work wonders. In situations like this, the parents should be sat with their darlings between them, and be held responsible for any atrocities that they may commit (Depending on the child, requiring a credit card deposit may not be out of line). While you should certainly never point out bad behavior, sickly smiles and comments like “My, I had no idea that little Pellegra showed such creativity in her eating methods” are appropriate.

Now that your guests are cowed into submission, it's important to remember that this is Thanksgiving, and having something to be thankful for is always nice. Despite the fact that the stretch pants wearing minions of this selfish, self-centered nation have voted to allow four more years of that stupid - oops, sorry – forgot about my new leaf there… take a deep breath, remember your pills… give me a moment here….

Suffice to say that, whether you are religious or not (and that’s certainly not a big part of life in the Langdon household) it is always nice on Thanksgiving, when gathered with family and friends, to reflect on the good things in your life and what you are thankful for.

But do it before you start pouring the wine, or it can get sloppy and embarrassing quite quickly.


Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone.

Thanksgiving, Part III: The Centerpiece

We've set the table, we've discussed the menu, but we're far from out of the woods. We still have to deal with the weighty question of the centerpiece.

Nothing can ruin a well-set table quicker than a poorly conceived centerpiece. As Mr. L used to say, “it’s all in the presentation”. Think of the centerpiece as sort of the bow on top of the present that is the well-appointed dinner table.

Many people make the tragic mistake of trying to be whimsical in their centerpieces. Like this atrocity:



Whimsy is for the dull-minded and unimaginative. Tasteful and sensitive soul that you are, you should not have to be subject to that sort of handiwork. Whimsy, unfortunately, plays big in the heartland, and other churchy places, and during my annual pilgrimages back it’s my sorry fate to view this phenomina close up. The rule of thumb is the more they publicly abhor abortion, they more they tend to condone it in decor.

I can remember back in my youth (ah, those glorious years of the first Eisenhower administration!) when people from the backwaters attempted to compensate for that fact. They at least tried to be sophisticated and tasteful. They read books and had early American furniture. They encased their televisions in colonial style cabinets. “Kountry Krafts” were something you only saw at Baptists craft fairs. Now it’s everywhere – spreading through the Midwest like a cancer or Wal-Mart. The sorry fact is that while everyone may have a creative urge, not everyone is creative.

Even worse than homegrown whimsy is mass-produced whimsy:


Centerpieces that are pre-purchased from "gift shoppes" or, even worse, the Internet should not be allowed in the house. If a guest makes the unspeakable gaffe of bringing you something like this, it should be placed on a side table somewhere, preferably in an unused room, and a mental note made to remove that guest from future invitations.

If nothing else, remember this: Dried flowers are for trailer trash and retired drag queens.

Another mistake is to try for the grandiose:




Like so many things in life that are oversized (McMansions, SUV’s, vulgar sofas) this is a sign of low self-esteem, and most likely undersized genitals. Remember, understatement is everything. More is less.

That’s why I prefer simple tea candles and a low flower arrangement. There is nothing worse than having to dodge a too-high floral arrangement while trying to have a conversation (which I have had to do on more than one occasion at some of the more tacky wedding receptions I was involved in during my hotel years)

Now that our table is set, our meal is cooking, and our centerpiece is placed, let’s have a small quiet word about manipulating your guests, but it will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m still feeling a bit weak in the knees for recalling some of those atrocious centerpieces from years past.

Thanksgiving part II: Setting the Table

It’s been pointed out that I have an unusually large amount of china patterns for someone so young and attractive. It’s a valid point: I have four sets of “Good” China (Franciscan “Starburst”, Salem “North Star”, Metlox “California Contempo” and Metlox “Navajo”)

So I know the big question you are all dying to ask: What pattern of china am I using this year? Well, in honor of a holiday that was first celebrated by our repressed, unpleasant, judgmental, puritanical and overly religious forefathers and the not-knowing-what-they-were-getting-themselves-into Indians, I chose the Navajo.

I also have a set of Sterling that was deemed too ugly to pass down by someone on eBay. Its call “First Frost” by Oneida, and I think it’s a nice little pattern. It’s a tad Katie Douglas, but so am I.

But a well-appointed table is more than just lovely china and appropriate silver. There is also the linens to consider. In anticipation of the event, I have had the leaves on the table for weeks now, and have been absolutely frantic in trying to find a suitable tablecloth. I will have none of this dreary “hotel linen” that the stores are trying to palm off on people - I want something that will enhance the natural beauty of the china. After much soul-searching and wine-gulping, I finally settled on a nice woven number from one of Our Better Stores.

But we’re not finished yet. There is still the question of glassware: I wouldn’t go as far as to say that the people I associate with are lushes, but I find that delicate wineglasses just don’t go well with my “set”. So I just settle for the nice wineglasses that are made by Libby that you can get at the neighborhood Rite-Aid. They have a nice thick stem on them and have even been known to bounce when dropped.

Water glasses are some fun little tumblers that were shower presents my mom got in 1952. They add tradition, and a gay little touch of color to the table.

But how, you are undoubtedly asking, how am I going to set the places?

I prefer a simple setting of dinner plate, bread & butter plate, and folded napkin arrangement, with the water and wine glasses at the one and two o’clock settings, respectively. Dinner knife, dinner fork and tablespoon to the left of the plate on the folded napkin, and butter knife perched delicately on the b&b plate. None of this napkin-stuffed-in-the-wineglass affair on MY table - We leave that for the Caesar’s Palace in the Catskills.

Here is the final result:


So now we have a table that is nicely populated, but not too cluttered. If one were really going “top dog”, one would have different wine glasses for both red and white, but we’re not standing on formality this year. As a wise woman once observed, “Never Mix, Never Worry”.

And here we have the entire table, set for a “practice run” which explains the lack of centerpiece:


Note that all serving pieces (besides condiments and gravy) are placed on the sideboard, to keep the table uncluttered and all food at the hostess’ elbow. If you are lacking a gracious sideboard such as mine, you can always “fake it” with a dainty teacart. If you don’t know what a tea cart is, see the “International Coffee Bar” below.

Coffee and Dessert? That will be served after the dinner plates are cleared, and the guests are settled in the living room. (I’m known for my famous “International Coffee Bars” which feature a variety of liqueurs to mix with your coffee.) Therefore, you will see no coffee cups or saucers on the dining table. Mine is a gracious home, not some banquet hall in the Midwest.

Here is a sample "International Coffee Bar", utilizing a teacart:






Tomorrow, we shall take on the question of the Centerpiece!

A new leaf….

I’ve been told by those I trust (and there’s not very many of you), that perhaps I’ve been a little bitter or polemic in my posts thus far. The suggestion has been made that the election is over, we all know that the current administration is a bunch of bozos, and that I should move on to things I know something about. The domestic arts being the implied topic.

So, in the interest of that, my dear readers, I’ve decided to try something new. An on-line Thanatopsis Society, as it were. I shall endeavor to publish something every business day, but don’t hold me to that: The muse does not always court, after all.

So onto our first, and very timely topic: Thanksgiving

No discussion of Thanksgiving can be complete without discussing the menu. This is the most traditional of holidays, so of course we must expect to abide by these traditions.

We start with the turkey. No one really likes turkey, but that is beside the point. We eat turkey on Thanksgiving because That Is The Way Things Are Done. But if you have to make a turkey, you should make a good one.

The good news is that this is really quite easy to do, as long as you are not a dope about it.

Start with a fresh turkey. Organic if possible. Do not buy one of those simple-minded turkeys that are “self-basting” or have built-in thermometers or something gimmicky like that. Those are for tramps and idiots. A fresh organic turkey is not that much more expensive, and it will taste better.

Secondly, Brine your turkey: That sounds kind of dirty, but it’s not. All brining is soaking your turkey in a salt-water mixture for 8-24 hours. Use Kosher salt, it will taste better. Once you have brined it, rinse it out well (the brining brings out a lot of the gunk) and truss the bird up well.

Prepare your turkey in whatever method you wish, but since you have already brined it, omit any salt that’s in the recipe, and don’t stuff it. Just put your stuffing (or, in this case, dressing) in a casserole and bake it with the turkey for the last 45 minutes. Among it’s other charms, This is a much less vulgar procedure than having to actually stuff a turkey.

While the turkey is cooking, make the mash potatoes. PEEL the potatoes (leaving the skins on is for the lazy and artsy) and use a ricer to smash the potatoes after they are cooked. There must be no lumps.

As far as vegetables go, you need two kinds, and you should just use frozen. No use killing yourself over this thing.

Desserts? Frozen also. Or coerce a guest to bake a damn pie and bring it with them.

Once the turkey is done, put is on a platter and let it “rest” (a very strange term considering it’s dead) and make the gravy. I am afflicted with the Langdon curse, and as such I cannot make gravy, so I open a can.

Once this is done, you are ready to serve: Run a comb through your hair, take off your apron, plug in the coffee pot, and summon your guests to the table. Serve the best wine first and the cheap wine later, and keep it flowing – as long as there is sufficient booze, your guests will have a good time.

Next Installment: Setting the Table

Denial is no Placebo

OK, so that subject really means nothing, but I thought it sounded cool.

I've discovered a new way to deal with President Bush. I just turn off the radio whenever he talks, so I don't have to listen to his intensely annoying voice (which, btw, has three modes: "Immenent Doom", "Peeved McDonald's Manager", and "just plain southern Hick"). Since I don't watch much TV, and never TV news, it works suprisingly well.

As for that Valium-haze wife of his, she's OK when she's talking about reading for something like that, but his children are just as annoying as he is. And I've always thought that his mother was an A-number-one BITCH.

All in all, they're a tacky tacky family. At least the Kennedy's had some class.

Home for the Holidays.

So it’s a political-free entry today!

I am very excited about my upcoming trip home for the Christmas. I am taking Amtrak’s “Empire Builder” to Chicago, spending the night at the Palmer House, and then getting on the “California Zephyr” to Omaha to spend a week with my parents.

On the way back, I’m Zephyring back to Chicago, spending another night at the Palmer House, and then taking the “Southwest Chief” to LA. From there, I will return home via United Air Lines.

Train travel is not for everyone, but it works well for me. I like how relaxing and scenic it is, and the interesting people you meet.

I especially like the Chicago-Omaha route, because I can do all my Christmas shopping in Chicago, have everything gift wrapped, and be able to take it on the train, which you can’t do on the plane. (Since there’s no good shopping in Omaha, it’s especially important.) And I love how the little towns in Iowa that the train runs through all decorate along the tracks. It’s very holiday-esque and nostalgic as hell.

The Chief to LA goes through the Southwest along a historic route where many of the stations were designed by Mary Coulter, an early lady architect who had an special interest in Southwest Indian culture, and this is reflected in the hotels and stations she designed – plus there is nothing cooler than LA Union Station. It’s the essence of Southern California Glamour.

In February, in observance of my (gasp) 40th birthday, I am planning a trip to Winslow Arizona to spend time at her legendary hotel, La Posada. It almost makes up for getting so damn old.

Bye Bye Boob Boy

The big news today is that John Ashcroft, the infamous Christian Prig, is stepping down as Attorney General. This is wonderful news, of course, but it will be interesting to see who he is replaced by.

Ashcroft, besides being a really ninny, was also something of a nutcase. Defeated by a dead man for the United States Senate, he was appointed AG by President Dimwit. Until September 11th, he was probably best known for his Justice Department Prayer meetings, and his spending $8,000 of taxpayer money to cover two 1930's era statues in the lobby of the Justice Building. It seems the great Christian has something of a boob fetish.

"Values Voters"

OK, the election is over, and I need to shut up, but I admit that I have an absolute fascination with "Christian" conservatives and their whole mindset. I mean, here we have a sizable segment of the population of the wealthiest, most powerful nation the world has ever known, that believe that the earth was created in seven days 5000 years ago, and that the Bible is the literal word of God. It's absolutely amazing when you think about it.

I think it's just the absolute willingness to look beyond the truth and accept half-assed theories as "gospel truth" that fascinates me. That and the essential selfishness of these so-called Christians. It's all about THEIR way of doing things so that THEIR soul gets to heaven. And their certain knowledge that THEY are the only ones who will be saved.

And their insistence to portray themselves as the constant victim is pretty interesting as well. They are always whining about persecution, but given the chance, would love to be able to do a little persecution of their own.

Personally, I think it would be hilarious if Christ came back and told us all off, and said he wasn't coming back again until we got our act together. Of course, he'd have to spell out in tedious detail just how we were messing up, and even then the fundamentalists would probably find a way to kill him again.

So here's to you, Christian Conservatives: Living here in God's Country (where our biggest growth industry and technology driver is pornography)certain of the way to righteousness, and willfully ceding their God-Given intellect for the chance to feel superior to others. History, I am certain, will prove you as wrong and backwards as the puritans, but in the meantime the normal people have to deal with you.

Four More What?

At first I wasn’t going to write anything about the election results, mostly because I was too pissed off at My Fellow Americans, and this whole assertion that “moral values” were what was driving the “Bush Mandate”

But then I happened to notice that notoriously left-wing rag “The Wall Street Journal” pointed out that Bush's victory was "the narrowest win for a sitting president since Woodrow Wilson in 1916." So much for the confidence of the nation.

Of course that’s not stopping that jackass from stating that he has “gained capitol” with the American people (although he does have something of a point – he actually got elected this time) and I’m sure he has a whole slate of dumb, dangerous ideas for the nation that his congress will willingly swallow.

I have to say I’m not surprised that the majority of the “red states” were red. The south is basically a write-off (maybe secession wasn't such a bad idea after all) , and as a born-and-raised Midwesterner, I can tell you first-hand that most of us smart ones got the hell out as soon as we could (my college friends reading this who still live there are the exception, of course) leaving mostly the mouth-breathers, the old people and the Bible fumblers. Most of my high school class is still in Council Bluffs and a dimmer bunch of lightbulbs you are not going to meet.

On the bright side, things look pretty good here in the “other” Washington: The Democrats took back control of both houses of the ‘lege, and it’s really looking as if the Governor’s office will stay in the hands of the Democrats as well. Here in Seattle, the greedy businessman who hoped to derail our Monorail project (which we’ve voted on something like four times) just wasted a couple hundred thousands dollars of his own money on a recall effort that was soundly trounced.

Of course, as a frequent Amtrak traveler, I’m concerned that Bush is going to succeed in “privatizing” (Bushspeak for killing) it. But hopefully there are enough non-zombie Republicans out there who will join the Democrats in saving what little of a national rail system we have.

All in all, while I’m not thrilled about this whole thing, I’m not that depressed either. And it’s all thanks to the Wall Street Journal.